The Best Jokes...Ever (Kindle Edition)
By Bob Martin
Buy new: $2.99
197 used and new from $2.90
Customer Rating: 
Customer tags: puzzles(2), funny(2), politics(2), jokes(2), history(2), quiz(2), manual(2), encyclopedia(2), oxymorons(2), guide(2), puns(2), dictionary(2)
Review & Description
Here's some examples of the jokes inside:
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
****
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they were but could not throw them out; instead he decided to be clever.
In the morning they came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owed $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" said the man, annoyed.
"So?" said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use them - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use her - that's your problem!"
************************
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah, that's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
********
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
*******
Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
***************
I wonder…
1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
2.What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
3.What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
4.If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
5.If you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
6.If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Shortland St'?
7.If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
8.If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
9.If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
10.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Here's some examples of the jokes inside:
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
****
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they were but could not throw them out; instead he decided to be clever.
In the morning they came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owed $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" said the man, annoyed.
"So?" said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use them - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use her - that's your problem!"
************************
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah, that's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
********
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
*******
Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
***************
I wonder…
1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
2.What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
3.What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
4.If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
5.If you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
6.If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Shortland St'?
7.If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
8.If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
9.If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
10.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Read more
Find out More for the best price at Amazon
